Haha.

And that was a random post. I had no particular person in mind. It was just a random ranting about someone who exists but I dont know who. Im just bored. Its 4 am and I want to write but have nothing to write about. So there goes my rubbish.

You I dont know who.

Sorry the previous posts are so exaggeratingly upset. I guess I'm so used to blogging about unhappy events than happy ones due to a bad past, so emo feelings gush like a rapid uncontrollably. But happy ones I stumble upon my words like I hardly know how to describe it. When a teeny thing happens, it just feels like a sign for the repetition of history. Because you know, I never believed anything good can happen to me. Everytime I thought something was going well, it proves me wrong and things fuck up. If its not my relationships, its my school, or other stuff. Shit just happens. But who am I to complain, I brought it upon myself. Sometimes you feel like you're in a deep dark hole that you will never escape from thinking an regretting and taking it out on yourself because you chose this path with no coercion or force from others. But you hate yourself more because you did comtemplate the bad side of it, but you went ahead with it. And after that you say, I KNEW IT. but its happened. and talk helps nothing and you pray plenty of prayers to God, but you know you dont deserve his mercy but you go ahead and pray saying help me this time, but it has been the hundredth time youve said that but you dont learn your lesson everytime. You watch sad movies and you cry and you feel sorry for yourself cause you cried and you think youre the saddest person in this world when you are just a case of sadness cos you have to resort to telling yourself that when people are dying and starving in other countries and you think one little heartache is the end of the world. People think you're a pitiful soul and you are not pitiful because you are sad, but because you need their pity to make you feel important. Its unreal the way you stare in my eyes, they dont see you, they see through you. You are nothing but a fake. A plastic. A doll. They take you, use you, and dump you. They move on and you pretend to have feelings but you get over it in time for another heartache again.

Sorry.

I will pretend it's okay.
Pardon me if my smile seems a little fake.

Do you know how it aches when Im keeping my tears in?

All I wanted was to cry my heart out in your arms.
I dont know why I didnt.
Something was holding me back,
Im not angry with you.
I was just expecting something I couldnt get.
Something in you voice,
it didnt soothe me like it used to.
It didnt assure me that things will get better
and I couldnt cry it all out
to make it okay.
I kept it inside,
because I know these tears are bound to flow again,
someday, not far away.

Change.

Today I feel weak-- mentally crushed, emotionally drained. Do I lie here and accept that maybe things have changed? Sometimes I want to give in, other times I dont. Eventually I do, cos Im weak and I need you. Eventually, things will get worse and I will hang on still. Because we said we would, we promised to. You used to say, dont worry everything's okay. You used to hold me till I wake. It used to upset you when I cry. Now it annoys you, now you need your sleep. Now you're tired and you're angered easily. I used to be fragile when I needed you around. Now Im selfish I dont care about your needs. You used to worry about me you wouldnt sleep. Now im worried I couldnt wake you when Im in need. Its all about me that's why I dont ask of you anything. I wouldnt dare, I know you care. It's just sometimes it just gets harder to feel it there. I know you love me but some things have changed. I love you too and Id certainly take this changes than to let you go. Its not a choice, I dont have an option. People get tired and Im sorry it had to be you. Im sorry things got old and Im too much for you. Our love is true I dont doubt you. Sometimes it takes more than I love you, and sometimes your words hurt more than it meant to. I dont blame you, I never did. You're always an angel in my eyes. Sometimes I dont see you, but I know youre there. When youre presence is not there to assure me I just get scared. Eventually you'd make it alright, I know, It's just taking longer than I thought it would. Right now, I will learn to need you less if you want me to. I cant promise I will succeed, but I will try. Goodnight, my love, Id like you to know youre in my wishes for every fallen eyelash.

Time.

Time is a healing miracle
Time embraces new love
Time replenishes hope
TIme withers passion
Good timing brings people together
just to break them through time.
Time depletes tolerance
and time is being killed
while we spend time.
Im grateful for the times we shared
but time just brought us apart.

Fade away.

Sometimes I repeat myself
because it doesnt seem enough.
I write in words what you mean to me,
but you're you
and not some literary
I'd paint a portrait,
but it has no life
I'd think of you, till I forget your face
Sometimes I miss you,
It seems we're in a race,
Where you'll always be ahead.
I wished you'd wait,
'Cause everything turns grey;
My colours, you stole them away.
When you said I'm yours,
I thought you wouldnt stray,
but God knows,
tonight, alone I wake.

My thought for you

I would do anything for you
Fly to the highest of heavens if I could
I'd bring the stars
to be your guide
When your world is bleak
and you are weak.
Flowers don't mean much I know;
They wither thrice as fast as they take to grow.
I'd cry my heart
to prove my love,
I'd slit my wrists,
I'd bleed and die
But if all these seems too unreal,
then at least I have the thought
of stringing these words
in honour of you.